First off, I’m a bloke, so I can’t really say I understand the pain.
On the television, we see the actors scream in agony, other mum’s say that it was painful, while some will get gassed up to make sure they don’t remember it.
Everyone experiences it differently, but I’m pretty sure nobody has ever described it as ‘breaking’ their vagina before. Except, Zoe George.
On her account, The Subtle Mummy, she talks about ‘exit only holes’ and ‘pelvic floors’ but she also described the birth of her first child.
Having been in labour for hours, it got to the point where the baby’s arrival was imminent, but there was no time for an episiotomy (where a surgical cut is made, intentionally, at the opening of the vagina to assist a difficult delivery).
“So,” Zoe explains, “They tore me. I remember the doctor leaning back, almost in a squat position, and pulling on those forceps that were around my baby’s head.
Out came baby Ari, in what seemed like five pushes, and off to work they went stitching up my tear.”
OK, so that’s the PG version, now, if you can handle it, the 18+.
“Later, when I asked my husband why he hadn’t taken any pictures with our new camera we had bought specifically for the occasion, he said there were too many people in the way,” she wrote.
“These days he retells the story of describing what he saw as similar to that of a massacre/blood bath type of scene.
“The midwives and doctors told me I lost a third of my blood and, even though I refused a transfusion, I almost didn’t have an option.”
After a short while, Zoe then got to see, for herself, what childbirth had done to her.
She said: “I was being given a sponge bath in bed by the midwife, oh la la, until she asked me to sit up and I caught a glimpse of my vagina!
“Describing it as looking like a hamburger, more like a whopper, would be putting it nicely.
“That imagine will be forever burned in my mind. I needed about four of those vajayjay poles and three overnight maxi pads to contain that Joker’s smile.”
It is, upon reading accounts like this, that I am glad I was born with a bloke.
Whereas many men, like myself, would never want to imagine the pain of childbirth, one vlogger did.
Chris Balmert, from Cleveland, Ohio, was attached to a ‘labour pain simulator’.
The dad cried: “Is this how I sound when you’re in labour? Because I honestly want to punch you in the face.
“If I rip this couch I’ll just buy a new one. I want to cry,” Chris added while his partner, Lindsay, told him to focus on breathing.